I know ive had a rant before about girls, but heres another.

Ive been seeing miss **** for a while now, as shes my mates ex, its still very hush hush, but we are both quite serious about it all.
she picked me up from work last night and as we were driving back to mine, casually came out with the following "im going abroad for the summer"
left me a little shocked, so as we drive, im thinking about it all. these are my thoughts...

1, she isnt enjoying work and wants to go abroad, understandable

2, she has come to this decision without much thought

3, i mustnt mean a great deal if she can up and leave without even talking about it

so we get to mine, and she only stayed a short while but i was just sat there thinking "get out!" not very nice i know, but i was fuming that i was risking everything with a close friend to be with her, and she could just decide to go off.

so she left, and i sent her a text, explaining the fact that i didnt think we should see each other again, i didnt put this across nastily, i can understand where shes coming from, i mean, if i could id move like a shot. just the whole thing seems a bit pointless if shees gonna move, what am i risking everything for?

she sent me a couple of texts back, saying this n that, and seeing me had made her reconsider, (she'd saw me somethin like 18 hours before!)

so now im left pondering, i really like her a lot, but would it be better to cut my losses now, while my mate is still unaware and nobody apart from us two can get hurt?

man i dunno

what a bloody day, teach me for being so bloody money orientated! im gonna write it in sort of bullet fashion, itll help me!

worked all day yesterday overtime - double money
all day today bank holiday - double money

well today i was working with a female colleague, we get along really well.

the photocopier has been bust the past few days, so we have ran out of all the legal forms etc a gym needs.

i was trying to work the stupid thing (again!)

my colleage came in, informing me there was a big black bloke refusing to leave who wasnt a member.

i thought "great(!)"

i went in the gym, checked his details

went to speak to him, and it became apparent he had a screw loose

I told him he couldnt train as he wasnt inducted and wasnt a member, so he wasnt covered by our insurance

he told me that was bollocks, and that my colleague didnt want him in here cos he was black and wearing shorts

?????

apparently shes a "cockwatcher"

now, i may be stupid, but i dont really know what one of those is.

i had been quite reasonable up to now, but started to get a bit bored of him going on and on, tell him hes got to leave

he tells me ill be next, and to watch out for the women

???????

then the manager comes in, another women, and he starts shouting then, calling them all slags

he leaves

end of story

what bothers me is, what if he had refused to leave? now, as i do cagefighting, i felt quite calm about confronting him, if he had tried hitting me fine. but if he just stood on the cross trainer and refused to leave, what the fuck am i meant to do?

as for my colleague, at least i feel confident in that sort of scenario, she admitted after that she wouldve hated to have been alone.

anyway, one interesting fact. my colleague has two children, both of them are mixed race, so she is not one for rascism, but one thing that intrigues me is why she came to me and said he was
"a big black bloke"
if he was white, she wouldnt of said a
"big white bloke"
so why?

Its complete. Fully stocked with some happy fish.
Only concern is, from what ive read and discussed, fish mostly like quiet areas in a room. well ours are in a busy gym next to the main entrance, with pounding music all day. think they like it though.
Got a black one that enjoys a bit of drum n base.

So thats five seven fish now, 5 that swim normally, one sucker that sucks, and one tiny type of catfish that eats the algae and shit. Hes my favourite, the others try to eat him and he just takes the piss out of them all, quite funny really.

Oh, and the snail is still sliming about, he has got massive! easily quadrupled in size the greedy little shit, already demolished one plant.

I would eventually like a few pics of them on here, may look at getting a digi camera. bye for now

what to write?

im still recovering from the weekend, quite how i managed to spend £140 on a night out is beyond me, though powdering my nose probably helped.

Now im settling at the gym, it seems i cant go out without seeing people from the place. seeing as i dont go out "on the pull" ive not really used it to my advantage, but its not good when ur out your face and see people who are asking you for advice on being healthy! some role model.

other than that, life is pretty quiet, theres a new job post been put up, "senior fitness instructor". basically your in charge of the gym and work direct to "x" who currently is running them all. really good money, sent for an application form, and one of the questions is "are you currently under investigation by the law?" well, unfortunately i am, and as i havent told my bosses, this is a tough one.

do i tick no.... they find out it should be yes, and go mad at me for lying, possibly lose my job

do i tick yes.... they go mad at me for keeping it secret,

no win situation so im thinking the only way is to not apply. gutted but thats life. teach but not to fight. (well, nah it wont!)

anything else happening in my life? no nothing major right now so im off.

night all

One of the fish has died. RIP my fishy friend. I feel guilty now for getting the whole fish tank in the gym ball rolling. He may have still been alive if i hadnt.

oh well

Well I was plainning on writing something interesting today, but my mind is empty.

Erm... we've bought a fish tank for our gym! not sure if any other gyms have noe so we may be a first to do this.
At the minute its empty, well, weve got all the kit in, but we have to leave it a few days to let the water get chemically balanced (???)

Well i tell a lie, its not completely empty, I bought a water snail for 80p. So right now we have a gleaming new fishtank and a snail, so prob not the best looking decor haha.

Should be gettin the fish in the next couple of days, thats gonna be cool, ill just spend my whole shift watchin them swim about.

Other than that nothins goin down, oh yeah, heres a wierd thing...

Started work at 2:30pm today, and about half 12 i was at home n started drifting off. anyway i mustve fallen sleep, but in my "dream" a face appeared and went "nowwwww" in a fuckin well creep voice, i woke up, and it was time to get ready.

Need a better alarm clock...

couple of stories here. Firstly, id just like to clear up that im not a big fan of the old bill. I understand they have a job to do, but on a whole I think a lot of them go the wrong way about it. Growing up on a council estate lets you meet them in all their glory, and while you may get the odd one who is pretty clued up and knows how to play the game, others are so far up their own arses that they just attract more hassle.

Firstly, the police are normal people. They join the police, they become "the law" bit like judge dread, and like the old saying go's, theyre never off duty. (or are they?)

I was on the bus a couple of days ago, sat upstairs, and two lads, mustve been about 13/14 got on and sat at the front. Im a pretty good judge of character, n these two were just young happy lads. Anyway a lady got on and sat up near us too. Somehow, the convo got onto police and the lads told us about how the other day, they had walked past a copper to go into the shop. One of the lads had put his hand up to his face (no doubt playing wannabe gangsters haha) as he went in. Well this cop waited for the lads, and when they came out asked them for ID. (who carries ID at that age?)
They didnt have any, and from what I gathered he started giving the lads hassle. The lad who covered his face said he told him theyd done nothing wrong so why was he quizzing them.

whats the copper say?

When your older and get a job, will I come along to your work and tell you how to do it?

Now, afterwards, he probably just finished his shift and went home, but that incident is gonna stick with them lads, and mistrust will rise from it. Similar things happened when I was younger.

Second story (shamefull!)

I work in a gym, and obviously, a lot of women use the gym. I tend to not speak to them, mainly for fear of looking like your trying to come onto them, so ill be polite but thats it. Anyway, last weekend, im out for my mates birthday, drunk and absolutely fucked off my face, n we end up in a club. (That night so many gym users saw me wasted haha) Anyway, I see a girl from the gym and we had a quick chat, about nothin really, then later in the night her n her mate r floatin round all of us, we get talkin again, n i asked her what job she does. Her response - you dont wanna know.
Straight away i said "your a fuckin pig aint ya" hahaha what a nice response that mustve been for her! anyway, turns out she was! and her mate!
So heres two young copper females, with seven coked up pissheads dancin away cos theyve had five pills each! good partnership!
cut a long stort short, me n one of my mates ended up back at theirs. And heres where my storys going, one of them took a pill. Not sure if it was cos she wanted to "fit in" or what, but she did.

Bit of a shite story really eh?

Anyway, lastly, ill add a bit of humour.

bout three weeks ago we were all out, n left the bar we'd been in about 4am. theres a little road next to it, n a copper was walkin some bird down there, she was balling her eyes out.
Anyway, everyone started shouting at him, stuff like "oi u rapist pig, leave her alone" etc.
(my mates arent very PC)
he turns round, comes storming up to one of my friends and says he'll nick him
(fair play to the bloke, he was laone n there was about 15 of us)
and my mate go's "are you a copper?"
the copper gos "yeah"
my mate "are you a copper....or a fucking stripogram"

when ur out ur face I guess thats funnier

so i left his office. and had nothing to do but doss around all day. i did this for a few days, all the while expectin the military police to rock up and drag me off to make my life hell. It never happened.

I didnt know but a few high rankers (who liked me) were pulling strings to try keep it all quiet and help me out. Which they did. after about four days, they got me in and said they could get me home for a few weeks.
this is where common sense came in, i knew if i did the 28days and got out, id have nothing! but if i finished my time, the army would have to pay for my ressettlement cos id served over five years.

As far as i could make out, id scored a minor victory, stood up for what i believed in and got the end result. even so, it still meant id have about 9 months left to serve.

A had my weeks off, went back. And it was back to the same old shit, i tried to stay positive but it was hard to do, especially when u know that ur leaving, it just seems pointless to do anything.
Why go to the ranges to practises firing ur rifle if ur not gonna use it ever again seriously? waste of ammo.

the only good thing was i could get awy with murder! because i was gettin out people would let me skive a lot of crap.

anyway, they ended up taking me to cyprus, like my will to not drink was gonna last out there! so i started drinking again, though, as my mood was good, not too much trouble happened. (well, one fuck off incident did)

and then it was time to come home. I did my ressettlement course in fitness, and i now work in a gym. I still go out and drink, and i still get in bother, but not how i did before.

i take part in cagefighting, helps me destress, and train a lot.

What has shocked me recently is that im starting to miss the whole army life now. I knew itd happen, when u only remember the good times, and even the bad times seem funny. but id never go back, too many people would say "told you civvy street wouldnt last"

If i ever wanted to do it again, i think the foreign legion would be where id go, something bit different.

may i just apologise for my spelling, while writing this (and doing course work) i have noticed i may be a bit dyslexic, get a lot of words back to front.

and ill finish on this, just how bad has drug taking became in the uk! all my friends are regular cocaine users, as well as pills, and even crack at times. i never noticed it in the army but not one of my friends doesnt take anything. hmmm

well, thanks for readin ;-)

well here we go.

i handed in my termination, n with the army u have to give a years notice, so i was left to work in the bloody officers mess for ages!
it actually turned out to be a really easy job, too easy really, could get away with murder. but unsurprisingly, i got a bit "uninterested" with the whole army business, people were tryin to persuade me to stay in but i knew i had to leave, i had to have some self respect. no way i could saty in a job like that, having to accept just cos he was in charge that he could ruin my career. So as i now didnt have any interest in working, and it was easy, i started going out a lot. now u go out "a lot" anyway in the army, so now im talkin 5 nights a week. n on the nights i stayed in i was in the camp bar. with the drinking i became violent, in the sense that i didnt care what happened anymore, if i got in trouble, so what? so i sort of started to revolt. looking back its quite funny, but at the time i couldnt see any way out. I was stuck to do a shit job that i knew i was gonna leave for ages.
Things got worse and worse, ill skip the gory details, but i had a few fights and missed a few parades (sort of like a register to check everyones there) and people started to take notice. on top of that, i started to realise myself i needed to do something because i was in a mess with everything.

so i went to see the doctor.

let me clear this up, i really didnt want to go, but i knew i needed to. it took a hell of a lot of me working myself up to actually get myself down and see her. cos im not too good at talking, i spent a bit of time writing everything down, so that if i went blank, i could remember everything. so here i am, sat with the MO (boss of all the medics) and told her everything.
her professional answer - go for walks, go to the cinema alone and watch comedies.
what the fuck is she paid £2000 a month for? that?
well i left her office well chuffed eh!
so i got hammered that night ;-)
i know im jokin about it all now, but back then this was serious shit! i wasnt suicidal, but i was bloody aggressive! and people started avoiding me cos of it.
So i had a think about what i was gonna do now, and along with this, i started a proper diary of everything, so if i went nuts theyd know it was their fault (only kidding, just cos i forget everythin)
Next on the agenda was seeing the WRVS lady, there is normally one of these on every camp, you can go and have a chat etc, n just generally chill out.
so off i went with my diary, and she was brilliant, didnt know that shed been clinically depressed, so she gave me a proper grilling, was really aggressive with me over it all. then, i think when she realised i wasnt making it all up for an easy ride, she offered me some good advice. the fact she was quite a hottie didnt help but she was brill.
so the next morning, off i trotted back to the Doc, to demand something be done.

IMPORTANT - may i just point out, at this stage the reason i was looking for help was for my anger. I was angry at the way id been treated and it was starting to get me in a lot of bother

So i got to the docs, and this time i managed to explain myself i little bit better about everything. she decided to do what she shouldve done, and referred me to the "mental health" department. well that sounds bloody shit eh! like i was gonna say i was gettin sent their to be examined, so now i was tryin to keep it hushed up too!

the shrink was quite good, even though he was a high ranking officer, hed managed to avoid bein around too many stuck up arrogant pricks to have it affect him. he did his job as a normal shrink (i expect) would do. after quizzing me on everything, he asked if i would like to go to "The Priory" for a bit to relax. Now, he said this as if he'd said, "do u want some paracetemol", and i was pretty shocked cos it was about the time Kate Moss was in there. I didnt know what to say, so he said to come back in a couple of days for a chat and to think about it all.
To be honest i didnt know what to think as all i knew was that a lot of celebs went there to detox and get their heads straight.
When i went back, we discussed it and agreed it couldnt do any harm so i'd go. fuck me did he act fast, this was about a tuesday and i had a flight booked back to England for friday (i was in belfast)
it was when he got it booked so quick i realised how much power he had. So i had to go back and try to explain where i was goin for a few weeks (i didnt even know how long it was for!)

Friday comes, i get to the airport n it felt like an out of body experience, tryin to work out how things had got to that stage. I didnt land at birmingham till about ten, n had to get a cab to the place. And before u know it there i was at The Priory (obviously not THE priory, theres loads)

Man i wish i didnt get there so late, i was tested for hours, blodd pressure etc, and quizzed about everything. once they'd finished i was shown around.
I got an on-suite room, there was a smokers lounge, non0smokers lounge, n a sort of games room. to be honest, for the price there wasnt that much on offer, but then again its not a holiday camp!
I was shown into the smokers lounge, where there was about 10 people in, had a brief introduction to them all, and left. Turns out, quite a few were military, in for depression, fucked up cos of the war etc so i settled in ok.

Thinking back, i can remember now just how agressive i was at that time, i didnt want to speak to anybody or interact at all, in fact, after that night, i remember i stayed in my room for two days! jesus, its all comin back!

Anyway, their assessment judged me to be alcohol dependant, and i was placed into the Addictions group, there were a couple of different groups.
In there it was mostly booze but there was 1 bloke hooked on speed. We had a really really good group actually, really good.
Id spent a week in the place before they placed me in the group, they really took their time with me (man i wish i was back there now!)

So ill say what happens in an average day

Am - wake up and discuss yesterdays day (you have to keep a diary about what youve learned etc) which different people interperate in different ways.
thatd take anywhere between 1-2hours

Lunch

Afternoon - classes, ranging from discussing addiction, to therapy (accupuncture) to anythin really

Alongside this you have to complete modules, starting with questions n stuff (has your addiction ever endangered yours, or somebody elses life) moving onto deeper stuff, building up to your life story. it was really good. but i rebelled a bit at the beginning.
In the evenings, u have to go to AA groups, well twice a week.
At my first meeting, i stormed out, somebody was talkin how his friend had died, and he was so happy cos he hadnt had a drink. i think it was just the way he phrased it but i found it really sick n left.

After that i gradually got into it, suppose it was luck that the group dimension all slotted together, well, till the last week when all the "originals-who were there when i arrived left, and the new people who started turnin up were a bit, tapped.

so altogether i was there five weeks, oh yeah, if u went in and payed out of ur own pocket, it would cost near £5000 a week! when i read that i felt ill! but tthe forces have got a contract with them, must pay them so much a year to send people when needed.
three times a week, u see a pyschiatrist (know thats spelt wrong) again, he was really good, well, the money they rake in they can hire the best, and he assured me id get a couple of weeks at home after, and he was gonna push for me to stay in england n not fly away again so i could attend aftercare regularly.
fair play to him, and all the staff, they tried. unfortunately, the army officers may be toffs, but they arent the brightest, well, most of them. they decided that as i got discharged on the Friday at 5pm, theyd arrange a flight for me on the friday at 12pm. was i a happy little bunny at that!

So i refused. My boss rang me up, i told him no way, other than the fact i hadnt been home in ages n needed to relax, they expected me to go back on a friday and sit around all weekend! it didnt make sense. still doesnt why they would do that.
So i kicked up a fuss. some major rang me, saying if i didnt go back then i would be classed as AWOL, again i didnt care. I tried asking him why they would spend near 25 grand sending somebody there just to ignore the specialist advice and drag them straight back to the problem, but, like all officers, he didnt have to talk to little old me did he.
Again my boss rang, and i asked him why they needed me back. his answer was, "so you can be reviewed by our shrinks, then youll be sent straight home" now i knew that was prob a lie, and as soon i was back theyd "have" me but what could i do? in the end i manged to get them to rearange the flight so i could have the weekend at home.

So i fly back, go to my doc to talk about it all, and shes on leave for two weeks! so i ring up to see the shrink, n hes on leave for two weeks! what a fucking joke! they had called me back to see them n they wernt even there!
I saw his assistant, who, in the space of three minutes, deemed nothing wrong with me. I stormed out.

To put things into perspective, at this point, i was adamant i would not drink again. i was a differnet person, quite relaxed. but now i was getting all stressed out.
So i was left, sitting in my room, with two options,
1) work and admit id been screwed over again
2) refuse to soldier _ basically refuse everything they tell u to do, if u can do it for 28 days you get kicked out. but its almost impossible to do as they catch u out with little clauses.
I chose option number 2 haha, was i a hero around camp or what! oh yeah, when i got back, word had spread as where id been n i was now classed a looney, quite funny really now
So i went to my sargeant major, and told him that i was refusing to soldier. he kicked me out his office. so now i had 28 days to get through and it'd be over!

more to come later

ok, after reading a entry of somebody on here, i feel its time to write something important.
The shit with "the girl" is ongoing, but doubt its interesting anybody anymore, so heres a story from my past.

This is all true, maybe its not such a good idea, cos its another thing that could give my identity away, but im relying on my mates not bein into this sort of thing.

I joined the Army at 16, not gonna go into the whys etc, leave that for another time i feel i need to write somethin cool, so im skipping a few years, to where im 21.

I'd served nearly 5 years, so id settled in well, people liked my sense of humour (quite sick) and I was pretty switched on when i needed to be so the ranks knew they could rely on me (I got left alone for all the shit jobs)
Anyway, I was quite a fit young lad, and i ended up getting a chance at becoming a PTI )physical training instructor) this is basically one of the best jobs in the forces, quite a glamerous role as u dont have to get ur hands dirty. obviously i was chuffed at this and jumped at the chance.

now the way it worked in our unit was like this, u got attached to the gym for a set period of time, the longer the better, before the course date. for me it was over five months, i thought id gone to heaven, just doing fitness all day and lookin after the gym, compared to normal army work it was piss.

ill skip a period now, so its about 14 weeks before the course started. the way the course works is all the applicants arrive and have to pass a set number of tests to get on the course (press ups, sit ups, running etc) if you fail any one of them you dont get on the course, so obviously at this point i'd been working my balls off to get super fit.

Then i broke my foot.

well, not a break exactly, a small fractur in my metatarsal, like beckham had.
unlike pro footballers though, the amry see's injurys as trying to skive, wish youll see soon enough.
so i had irt xrayed, civilian doc says ill need 6 weeks minimum rest, trying to stay off it as much as poss and have physio.
go back to the army physio (she was ace) and told her the whole situation, and she was really good, planned out how to get me back so id get on the course, and got me doing a lot of aquajogging (to keep my muscles from deteriorating)
all was going as well as hoped, when i got a message saying i needed to go and see the battalion 2ic. for those who arent military aware, this blokes the second in command of the battalion. so quite a high ranking fucker.
He was delighted to see me, and after commenting on the fact that i wasnt limping, told me i was on the next NCO cadre, which started on the monday (this was a bloody friday!)
im getting worked up thinking about it now haha
So i explained i couldnt cos of my foot (this course, if i went on it, finished something like 5 days before my fitness one) and he said that i would pack my kit, and the course medic would examine me when i arrived where it was being held.
I was fucking livid. So i went to the medical centre, as far as i was concerned there was no way i was being forced to do it, even though, by rights, i shouldve been honoured that he had picked me out to do it (up until this point he held me in high regard)
so i spoke with the medics, and they all agreed i was "unfit to attend" gave me a certificate to say so, and that was that. till the monday!

Monday morning, everyones on parade for fitness, im off to do some gay aquajogging, and the nobhead sees me.
to cut a long bollocking short, he was adamant i had disobeyed him, i was making the injury up, the medics got told they had no right not letting me go, and he generally hit the roof. not giving me a chance to say anything he kicked me out his office.

I went straight to my OC (officer commanding) again if u dont know, a battalion id split into companies, and OC's command them.
he was on my side, as was my sargeant major, well, evrybody to be honest. but because this prick outranked them they couldnt do anything.
couple of days passed, and i got message to go see him again (ill just point out when i left his office, he said he was going to make my life a misery) so i went see him, and he said i wasnt worth of a place in the gym, and i was being moved to the officers mess. to put this into perspective, and no disrespect to anyone whos worked in one! these are usually full of "idiots" who cant be trusted to do anything else, and all you do is clean up after them, serve them meals, serve them drinks, it is the most demeaning job in the army!
was i chuffed or what!
so i got my termination papers, signed them and handed them in, theres only a couple of lines to explain why u want to leave, but i wrote four a4 pages explaining it all.

right im gonna leave it there for today, im not even to the good stuff and its pretty long!

tommorrow ill cover how i declined into the booze and violence that messed me up haha